雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）

逗爷 2023-06-16 19:37:58 383

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）5，范文地道词汇中英对照，包括：4，Mac范文（9分）范文朗读1，题目2，6.5分例文3，例文剖析

爱吃辣的加拿大大叔雅思托福10多年一线教学中文说得还不错，头像是他家猫在这里分享他原创的雅思写作干货每篇范文都有配音，在同名公众号“英语考试Cat”

你好呀，我是来自加拿大的雅思外教Mac。今天，给大家带来9月24日雅思大作文真题的例文解析。

例文来自我的学生。

这篇文章本来可以拿7分的，但最终只拿了6.5分，是什么原因呢？

老规矩，以下是正文目录：

1，题目

2，6.5分例文

3，例文剖析

4，Mac范文（9分）范文朗读

5，范文地道词汇中英对照，包括：

题目改述
讨论观点类大作文高分句型
展示“词汇丰富度”的词汇&短语
展示“连贯与衔接”的词汇&句型

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(1)

上题：

Some people think that robots are very important for human’s future development. Others however think that robots are dangerous inventions that could have Negative effects on society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

6.5分例文（来自我的学生）

A proportion of citizens believe that robots are essential for human’s progress in the future while others argue that they are risky and can cause negative impact on society. In my opinion I think robots are beneficial for civilizations in the long term.

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(2)

The prime reason why some believe that robots pose threats to society is that they are likely to increase unemployment rate. Developed with complex computer programs robots can be as competent or even more so as humans in certain aspects. Hence robots have been utilized by businesses from a variety of industries ranging from manufacturing companies to logistic warehouses to carry out a great number of tasks on assembly lines replacing human employees and subsequently depriving humans of their occupations.

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(3)

Despite this however the strengths brought about by robots cannot be ignored namely high efficiency and the capability to create new professions. The jobs taken over by robots are for the most part repetitive and manual work dramatically enhancing productivity for both businesses and households. With robots taking care of the ‘dirty’ work human beings are given more time to focus on creativity and innovations resembling the advent of the Internet only decades ago creating novel professions rather than taking away people’s livelihood.

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(4)

In conclusion although robots may bring undesirable waves to society such as causing job loss in different sectors they can elevate efficiency in repetitive work and free up people’s time for more creative work. Instead of driving people out of jobs robots enable them to do more just like the Internet wave in the last few decades.

例文解析：

Task Response (TR) 写作任务回应情况: 5 分
Coherence and Cohesion (C&C) 连贯与衔接: 7分
Lexical Resource (LR) 词汇丰富程度: 7分
Grammar Range & Accuracy (GR) 语法多样性及准确性: 7分

这篇文章最大的问题，相信你已经看出来了。接下来，我按这四个评分标准来解析这位同学的作文。

Task Response (TR) 写作任务回应情况: 5 分

TR其实是在考察，考生是否全面回应各部分写作任务，关键词是“全面”。

在这个题目：

Some people think that robots are very important for human’s future development. Others however think that robots are dangerous inventions that could have negative effects on society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

我们需要注意：

robots are very important for human’s future development
dangerous inventions that could have negative effects on society

什么意思？

如果你的作文讨论机器人现在的development，而不是未来的development，就偏题了。

如果你的作文只涉及了机器人的一个消极影响，也偏题了。因为题目里是'effectS'，说明我们至少要列出两个影响。

上边例文，并没有讲机器人的future development，而是现在的情况。

例文只列了机器人给人类社会带来的一个消极影响，而不是两个。

所以例文的Task Response只拿了5分。

这给我们带来的启示是，写雅思大作文的第一步，也是最关键的一步，是把题目读透，以在写作的过程中做到全面扣题。

Coherence and Cohesion (C&C) 连贯与衔接: 7分

虽然文章的衔接手段总体使用恰当、不机械，但个别地方缺乏连接词，个别地方衔接词的使用需要提升。在这个方面要拿8分，需要我们：

将信息与论点进行有逻辑的排序
各种衔接手段运用得当
充分且合理地使用分段

Lexical Resource (LR) 词汇丰富程度: 7分

看得出来，这篇文章的作者的词汇量不小，但想在词汇方面拿8分，需要我们：

流畅和灵活地使用丰富的词汇，达意准确
熟练地使用不常用词汇，但在词语选择及搭配方面偶尔出现错误
拼写及/或构词方面错误极少

Grammar Range & Accuracy (GR) 语法多样性及准确性: 7分

这篇文章作者的英语语法基础还算扎实，但是在语法方法要拿8，我们需要：

运用丰富多样的语法结构
大多数句子准确无误
只在极偶然的情况下出现错误或存在不当之处

“丰富多样的语法结构”，我举个例子，比如在一篇文章里同时出现：两三个简单句、两三个复杂句、一两个复合句、两个复合-复杂句，并做到把动名词、介词、关系代词、并列连词等等用对，把因果关系、对比关系等理清楚。

这篇文章的句型不是很丰富，虽然有的句子看起来很长，但长句并不等于复杂句。

综合以上，尤其是“写作任务回应”拉低了平均分，这篇文章只能拿6.5分。

这也可能是，有的同学觉得自己在考场上写了篇绝世好文，不拿8分天理不容，结果成绩单上只有6分或6.5分的原因。

以下是我自己写的范文。

我的审题文章结构：

Type 类型: Discuss & Opinion 讨论观点 (我的观点：more beneficial)
Body 1: negatives: unemployment and dehumanizing
Body 2: greater productivity and opens up new creative possibilities
Key words 题目关键词: human’s future development/negative effects on society

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(5)

- Model Answer 高分范文 & 范文朗读 -

▲范文音频戳这里▲

A portion of the citizenry believe robots are essential for human progress; whereas there are those who argue these machines are threatening and could have detrimental societal consequences. This essay shall explore both viewpoints; however in my opinion I think robots are beneficial for civilization in the long term.

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(6)

The prime reason why some believe robots pose a threat to society is that they are likely to increase the unemployment rate. Developed with complex computer programs robots can be just as competent or even more so than their human counterparts in certain fields and applications. In so doing the field of robotics is replacing employees and subsequently increasingly depriving workers including white-collar employees of their occupations. This dehumanizing influence will be exacerbated as more service-oriented occupations are filled with soulless artificially-intelligent human replicas where before interfacing with a human was the norm.

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(7)

Despite this however the positive ramifications brought on by the era of robotics namely greater efficiency and new professions will be monumental in their impact on society. The jobs taken over by automatons will see productivity dramatically enhanced and so increasingly the world will witness the majority of jobs being undertaken by these non-human entities opening up new possibilities for humanity. Indeed the human condition will irrevocably metamorphosize into something altogether different than our present state allowing us to create and innovate in ways that presently we can only imagine.

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(8)

In conclusion although robots may bring upheaval to society such as causing job loss in different sectors they will allow for more creative and productive work to be accomplished and as such I believe the development of robotics to be advantageous for society.

雅思写作范文9分作文（9.24雅思真题大作文6.5分）(9)