火星人跟金星人（金星人与火星人双语阅读陪伴04）
火星人跟金星人（金星人与火星人双语阅读陪伴04）我想我是理解她的。我们所有的情感专家都在教育我们“为什么”和“怎么办”的道理，他们唯一不懂得的是，感情是不讲道理的，感情是人类在与这个世界和他人的联系过程中本能地有感而发。恨一个人或一件事情通常是因为爱或是对其有美好的期望。当你真的做到没有恨的时候，你会发现你已经不在意了。她发的那些东西都“很有道理”。有一次我问她，你读这些东西那么久，觉得有帮助吗？她想了想说：“其实，生活中的烦心事本来就很多了，有时候一想到这些事情就会生气。刚一开始，也许只是情绪低落而已。可是，你知道吗，当我想找人诉说的时候，却总是发现，根本没有人想听我说。他们要么觉得没有什么大不了的，要么就总是劝我不要生气。你有没有这种感觉，有时候你会觉得自己在世界上是那样的孤立无援，没有一个人愿意听你说，也没有一个人理解你在乎你。我不想生气，可是我最后剩下的只有愤怒。”By clearly understanding he is r
【读你所爱，滋润你的心灵；掌握英语，打开你的三只眼】
如果男性清楚地懂得，女性所拒绝的不是他的解决办法，而是他提出办法的时机和方式的时候，男性就能够不再将此视作是对他自尊的冒犯了。通过学习倾听，男性会逐渐体会到，即使女性一开始是对他不满，她也会对男性的倾听更加感激的。
当女性清楚地懂得，男性所拒绝的不是女性的要求，而是在抵制女性提要求的方式时，女性就不会轻易因为拒绝而感到自己受到了伤害。女性可以采用更加积极的沟通方式来表达自己的需要。慢慢地，女性就会明白，男性只有在觉得女性是在请求自己解决问题，而不是把自己当成问题的时候，男性才会想要做出改进。
By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions a man can handle a woman's resistance much better. He doesn't take it so personally. By learning to listen gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.
By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
【本节导读】
我的一位亲戚，心地非常的善良，却有过几段不幸的婚姻。她现在经常在微信群给我们转发为人处世或是情感方面的心灵鸡汤。她常常会把一首叫做《莫生气》的诗当念经一般来念。
她发的那些东西都“很有道理”。有一次我问她，你读这些东西那么久，觉得有帮助吗？她想了想说：“其实，生活中的烦心事本来就很多了，有时候一想到这些事情就会生气。刚一开始，也许只是情绪低落而已。可是，你知道吗，当我想找人诉说的时候，却总是发现，根本没有人想听我说。他们要么觉得没有什么大不了的，要么就总是劝我不要生气。你有没有这种感觉，有时候你会觉得自己在世界上是那样的孤立无援，没有一个人愿意听你说，也没有一个人理解你在乎你。我不想生气，可是我最后剩下的只有愤怒。”
我想我是理解她的。我们所有的情感专家都在教育我们“为什么”和“怎么办”的道理，他们唯一不懂得的是，感情是不讲道理的，感情是人类在与这个世界和他人的联系过程中本能地有感而发。恨一个人或一件事情通常是因为爱或是对其有美好的期望。当你真的做到没有恨的时候，你会发现你已经不在意了。
拿我自己的感受来说吧。在爱情和婚姻关系中所出现的恨/怨恨与抵制，其实主要是我们传递爱和关怀的方式出现了理解故障。比如，我最怕的就是伴侣以问句的方式，尤其是反问句的方式对我说话或是向我提要求。这种话语在我听来，一是表现出我对伴侣的不关心，二是表明问题的责任全都出在我身上。我最怕的交流表达就是：“你总是这样…”、“你怎么老是这样…”。听多了以后，心里就会被钉上无数的小钉子，直到这些钉子真的成为我冷漠的铁甲。读一读本节中列出的所有表达吧。你会发现下面的多数“禁忌”不就是我们的日常用语吗。
其实，我们无需太多心灵鸡汤的。如果你有幸能够和你的爱人能把这一本同时写给男性和女性的情感书籍一起读完，也许你们就找到了打开幸福的大门；如果你能和你的恋人一起把这套书读完的话，也许你就找到了你未来的另一半。也许至少你能找到懂你的朋友。
这个世界本来无所谓幸福或是痛苦的，只是因为有了人，才出现了幸福和痛苦。我们也并非注定是痛苦的。我们痛苦是因为我们希望幸福，只是现在我们还行走在通往幸福终点的崎岖道路上而已。
如果你只是对中文阅读感兴趣，阅读中文也一定会有所收获的。请直接跳过【刘博士英语突破学习法】的内容。
【刘博士英语突破学习法】：阅读——跟读——听读。
1） 如果你的英语学习重点是阅读突破，那么在理解中文译文内容后，请转向英语文本的阅读，你会发现英语没有想象的那么难。请在合适的时候转向直接阅读英语原文。英语阅读突破是一个自然的过程。当你习惯了无需中文辅助的英语阅读时，你就会自己知道你是否取得了阅读的突破。
2） 如果你的英语突破重点还包括口语和听力。请在熟读英语原文以后，开始跟着音频跟读和听读，直到可以完整的跟读和听读理解为止。
3） 以口语为突破的学习者，请跟读音频练习，直到你无需文本资料也可以自然流利跟读为止。
4） 以听力为突破的学习者，请看着文本资料听读音频，直到你无需文本也可以自然听懂为止。
【刘博士中文译文】
为“修理工”先生和“家庭改造委员会”女士的辩护当我在前一节指出男性和女性常犯的错误时，我并不是说男性作为“修理工”或是女性作为“家庭改造委员会”都是错的。这些都是火星人和金星人非常正能量的特性。错误在于他们/她们使用的时机和方法是错误的。
实际上，女性对于“修理工”先生是非常感激的，只不过当女性难过的时候，她并不需要“修理工”的出现。男人要记住，当女人看起来很难过，并在这时谈论她的那些烦心事时，绝对不是男性提供解决建议的好时机；女人此刻需要的是有人听她发牢骚，慢慢地，她自己就会好起来的。她不需要男人来修理她。
而男性其实对 “家庭改造委员会”的女性也是很感激的，只不过只有当男性向女性求助时才是如此。女人需要记住，主动提出建议或是批评男人——尤其是当男性出现失误时——会让男性感觉伴侣不爱他和自己被控制了。男性更需要女性的接纳（acceptance），而不是她的建议 这样男性才会从错误中吸取教训。当男性觉得女性并没有想要改善他的企图时，男性就更有可能向女性寻求反馈和建议。
了解了这些差异以后，我们才会更容易地尊重我们伴侣的敏感之处，并给予其更多的帮助。不仅如此，我们还要认识到，当我们的伴侣排斥我们的帮助时，很有可能是因为我们在帮助的时机上或方法上犯了错误。让我们更详细地探讨这个问题。
当女性拒绝男性的方法建议时，男性会觉得自己的能力受到了质疑。结果就是，男性感到不被信任（mistrusted）、不被感激（unappreciated），于是不再关心女性的烦忧。顺理成章地，他也就不大有倾听的意愿了。
要记住，女人是来自金星的。这样，男性就能够理解为什么女性在一些时候会拒绝他的帮助。男性通过反思会发现，也许这时候女性需要的是同情理解和呵护，而自己却是在提供解决问题的建议，这当然大错特错了。
以下一些简单例子是男性很容易犯的表达错误，它们要么不认可女性的感受和想法，要么是给出女性并不需要的解决问题的办法。想想看，你是否明白，当你这样表达时，女性为什么会拒绝你的好意相助：
1.“你别那么瞎操心。”
2.“我不是这个意思。”
3.“这没什么大不了的。”
4.“好吧，我道歉。现在我们能不提这事了吗？”
5.“你干嘛光说不练呢？”
6.“可我们是经常交谈呀。”
7.“别觉得委屈啦，我并不是这个意思。”
8.“那你这么说是什么意思？”
9“你别老是这么不开心。”
10“你怎么能说这话呢？我不是上一周就陪了你一整天吗。我们那时候不是挺开心的吗。”
11“好吧，就当我没说。”
12“行，我去打扫院子。这样你总高兴了吧？”
13“我知道了。这事本来应该是你来做的。”
14“听我说，这事呀咱们也拿它没办法。”
15“你要是做了这件事还抱怨的话，那你别做好了。”
16“你干嘛让人家那么对你呢？甭理他们。”
17“你要是觉得不幸福的话，那咱们离婚好了。”
18“行，从现在开始这事都归你来做。”
19“以后这事都归我来管。”
20“我当然关心你啦。这话说得也太莫名其妙了。”
21“你能不能有话就直说呀？”
22“我们能做的也就这些了……
23 “事情根本就不是这样的。”
这些语句中，要么是在否定对方的感受，要么是试图为对方不愉快的感受去找一个解释，或是提出一个解决办法，希望能立刻将女性的消极感受改变成积极感受。男性要想改变这种沟通模式，第一步很简单，请立刻停止使用上述的所有这些说法（我们会在第5章更全面地探讨这个话题）。然而，更大的一个改变则是练习倾听，同时不会说出任何否定女性感受的话语，也不主动提出任何的问题解决办法。
如果男性清楚地懂得，女性所拒绝的不是他的解决办法，而是他提出办法的时机和方式的时候，男性就能够不再将此视作是对他自尊的冒犯了。通过学习倾听，男性会逐渐体会到，即使女性一开始是对他不满，她也会对男性的倾听更加感激的。
当男性排斥女性的建议时，女性的感觉是男人好像根本就不在乎自己。女性会觉得自己的需要得不到重视。因此，她很自然地感觉自己得不到男性的帮助，也就不再信任他会帮助自己了。
在这种时候，女人要记住，男人来自火星，她就能正确地理解男性为什么要抵制她了。女性通过反思就会发现，她也许在做的是向男性主动提出建议或是批评男性，而不只是简单地在分享自己的情感需要、说明情况或是提出请求。
以下一些简单的例子是女性经常说的话。使用这些表达方式容易让男性觉得很恼火，因为女性在无意识地向男性提建议，或是说一些表面上无害，却是带有批评性质的表述。当你读到这些例子时，你一定要记住，这些小事累积起来可能会形成巨大的抵制和怨恨之墙。在一些表达中，女性的建议或是批评是隐含在其中的。看看你能不能明白为什么男性会感到你在控制他。
1.“你怎么会想到买那个东西呢？你不是已经有一个了吗？”
2.“那些盘子上还有水呢。它们干了以后会留下印子的。”
3.“你的头发是不是有点长了？”
4.“那边有个停车位，快开到那边去。”
5.“你想和你朋友们一起出去玩，那我怎么办？”
6.“你别总是没完没了的工作。请一天假吧。”
7.“别把东西放那儿，会搞丢的。”
8.“你还是打电话找水管工修吧，他知道该怎么修。”
9“咱们干嘛要等位呀？你难道没有提前预订吗？”
10“你该多花点时间陪孩子的，他们都见不着你。”
11“你的办公室乱七八糟的。这样的环境你怎么能好好想工作的事呢？你什么时候才能把它整理一下？”
12“你又忘了把东西拿回来了。你可以把它放在一个显眼的地方，这样你就不会忘了。”
13“你车开得太快啦。开慢一点，要不然会吃罚单的。”
14“下次看电影之前，我们最好先看看影评再决定去不去看。”
15“你人到哪儿去了？（我根本不知道你在哪里，你应该打电话的。）
16“是不是有人直接拿着果汁瓶子喝果汁了。”（你是不是直接拿着果汁瓶子喝果汁了？）
17“吃饭的时候不要用手拿着吃。你把孩子都带坏了。”
18“这种薯条油很多的，它们对你的心脏不好的。”
19“是你自己没给自己预留足够的时间的。”
20“你应该提前跟我说一声的。我总不能为了和你吃饭就把手头的活儿全撂下吧。”
21“你的衬衣和你的裤子不搭。”
22“Bill都给你打了三个电话了。你打算什么时候给他回电话？”
23 “你的工具箱乱七八糟的，我什么都找不到。你把它好好收拾一下行吗。”
当女性不知道该如何直接向男性寻求帮助（请阅读第12章）或是不知道如何积极性地分享不同意见时（参见第9章），她也许会觉得，如果自己不主动提出建议或批评男性的话，她可能就没有办法实现自己的需求（稍后我们会更细致地探讨这个话题）。然而，学会接纳，而不是提出建议和批评，是改变的第一大步。
当女性清楚地懂得了，男性所拒绝的不是女性的需求，而是在抵制女性提要求的方式时，女性就不会轻易因为拒绝而感到自己受到了伤害。女性可以采用更加积极的沟通方式来表达自己的需要。慢慢地，女性就会明白，男性只有在觉得女性是在请求自己解决问题，而不是把自己当成问题的时候，男性才会想要做出改进。
如果你是一名女性，我建议你在接下来的一周里练习克制自己，不要给男性主动提出任何建议或批评。你会发现生活中的男性同胞不仅会对你感激不尽，而且会加倍地关心你和照顾你。
如果你是一名男性，我建议你在接下来的一周里练习倾听。只要女性在说话时，你都仔细地倾听，请带着尊重的态度专心致志地去理解她所经历的一切。每次当你忍不住想给她提出问题建议时或是想改变她的心情时，就咬一下自己的舌头。当你体会到女性对你倾听的由衷感激时，连你自己都会大吃一惊的。
【刘博士音频】
【英语原文】
IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX-IT AND
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE
In pointing out these two major mistakes 1 do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix-It or the home-improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.
A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix-It as long as he doesn't come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.
A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism especially if he has made a mistake-make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice 'In order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.
Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner's sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let's explore this in greater detail.
WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN'S SOLUTIONS
When a woman resists a man's solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted unappreciated and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.
By remembering that women are from Venus a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.
Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist:
1. "You shouldn't worry so much."
2. "But that is not what I said."
3. "It's not such a big deal."
4. "OK I'm sorry. Now can we just forget it."
5. "Why don't you just do it?"
6. "But we do talk."
7. "You shouldn't feel hurt that's not what I meant."
8. "So what are you trying to say?"
9. "But you shouldn't feel that way."
10. "How can you say that? Last week 1 spent the whole day with you. We had a great time."
11. " OK then just forget it."
12. "All right I'll dean up the backyard. Does that make you happy?"
13. "I got it. This is what you should do."
14. "Look there's nothing we can do about it."
15. "If you are going to complain about doing it then don't do it."
16. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them."
17. "If you're not happy then we should just get a divorce."
18. "All right then you can do it from now on."
19. "From now on 1 will handle it."
20. "Of course 1 care about you. That's ridiculous." 2 1. "Would you get to the point?" 22. "All we have to do is... 23. "That's not at all what happened."
Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is however a big step.
By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions a man can handle a woman's resistance much better. He doesn't take it so personally. By learning to listen gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.
WHEN A MAN RESISTS
THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE
When a man resists a woman's suggestions she feels as though he doesn't care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.
At such times by remembering that men are from Mars she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs providing information or making a request.
Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.
1. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one."
2. "Those dishes are still wet. They'll dry with spots"
3. "Your hair is getting kind of long isn't It?"
4. "There's a parking spot over there turn [the car] around."
5. "You want to spend time with your friends what about me?"
6. "You shouldn't work so hard. Take a day off."
7. "Don't put that there. It will get lost."
8. "You should call a plumber. He'll know what to do."
9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn't you make reservations? "
10. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. "
11. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up? "
12. "You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it."
13. "You're driving too fast. Slow down or you'll get a ticket."
14. "Next time we should read the movie reviews."
15. "I didn't know where you were." (You should have called.)
16. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle."
17. "Don't eat with your fingers. You're setting a bad example."
18. "Those potato chips are too greasy. They're not good for your heart."
19. "You are not leaving yourself enough time."
20. "You should give me more [advance] notice. 1 can't just drop everything and go to lunch with you."
21. "Your shirt doesn't match your pants."
22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?"
23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. I can't find anything. You should organize it."
When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter 12) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9) she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is however a big step.
By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
If you are a woman 1 suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.
If you are a man 1 suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.
