哈佛商学院学会这三种思维（你就是工作中发脾气）

哈佛商学院学会这三种思维（你就是工作中发脾气）Figure out what triggered your blow up. To reduce the odds of losing your temper in the future you’ll want to identify the factors that contributed to it. Do you need to do a better job of managing your stress overall? Do you tend to lash out when you feel attacked or vulnerable? Are there specific people who frustrate you? Were there personal issues that trickled over into work that made you mor

You Just Lost Your Temper at Work. Now What?

by Patricia Thompson

Let’s face it work can be stressful. Whether the stress comes from your boss your coworkers or your workload the pressure can get to be too much. After one particularly frustrating meeting you blow up at a colleague and lose your temper.

You might just want to chalk it up to a bad day and move on pretending that nothing happened. But others likely won’t be so quick to forget. As Roy Baumeister wrote in his classic article “Bad Is Stronger Than Good ” negative experiences are processed more thoroughly than good ones and negative impressions are quicker to form and harder to get rid of than positive ones. To recover from something like this you’ll need to approach the situation with humility and intention. Here’s how to proceed:

Be honest with yourself. The first step in dealing with this situation is to take an honest look at yourself. Was this a one-time experience or is this something that you’ve done on multiple occasions? If losing your temper is truly out of the norm for you people who have an established history with you will likely see it as something that was caused by situational factors. In that case a sincere apology may be enough. However if it’s something that you do on a regular basis you’ll have a much steeper road ahead of you in terms of rehabilitating your reputation.

Apologize. The next thing you’ll want to do is apologize. Ideally you’ll do this as soon as possible after the occurrence so you can lessen the amount of time that others would be stewing about it and discussing it with their colleagues. According to research by Roy Lewicki Beth Polin and Robert Lount effective apologies have six components:

1. expression of regret
2. Explanation of what went wrong
3. Acknowledgement of responsibility
4. Declaration of repentance
5. Offer of repair
6. Request for forgiveness

The researchers found that the more of these components included the more favorably others responded to the apology. However not all aspects of the apology were equally important. They found that the most critical component of an apology was acknowledging responsibility. Therefore when you apologize for your blow up own what you did. Don’t rationalize or make excuses. Be sincere in admitting that your behavior was wrong.

In the study the second most important component of the apology was the offer of repair. Therefore explain what you’re going to do to make up for it. For instance if you blew up publicly at someone you could make sure to apologize to them and then apologize in the next meeting when all parties who witnessed it are together. Or you could explain the steps you’re going to take to avoid having that happen again in the future.

For example if you notice that you tend to get testy when your days are over- scheduled you can make a commitment to doing a better job of managing your workload or taking more breaks. If you have a problem with getting defensive you might choose to give others permission to gently point out when you’re being less receptive to their perspectives so that you can check yourself in the moment. Or if you really have a hard time managing your temper you could promise to work with a coach to develop strategies that will help you to gain greater control over your reactions. Then make sure to do it. After all if you keep exhibiting the same behavior over and over pretty soon your apologies are going to become meaningless.

Figure out what triggered your blow up. To reduce the odds of losing your temper in the future you’ll want to identify the factors that contributed to it. Do you need to do a better job of managing your stress overall? Do you tend to lash out when you feel attacked or vulnerable? Are there specific people who frustrate you? Were there personal issues that trickled over into work that made you more on edge? Once you determine the cause you’ll put yourself in a position to be able to address it so that you’ll be able to respond more constructively in the future.

For example if you realize that you get upset when you feel others are attacking you you can shift your perspective and recognize that diverse opinions help teams to solve problems more effectively. Or if you realize that you’re more irritable when you haven’t had enough sleep you can improve your sleep habits (or at the very least be more intentional about monitoring your behavior after you’ve had a rough night). If you notice that your emotions can get the best of you in a tense moment you can practice deep breathing when you feel yourself tensing up so that you can calm your body and think more clearly in the moment.

Be consistent. If you want others’ perceptions of you to shift you’ll need to demonstrate a more even temperament on a consistent basis. This is important because due to confirmation bias we tend to be more likely to recognize others’ behaviors that confirm our beliefs about them as opposed to those that are at odds with them. What this means is that if you’re seen as a hot- head people will be much more likely to notice that one time that you shouted and cursed at your colleague as opposed to all the other meetings this week when you were jovial and charming. Although it might not seem fair it’s what you’ll need to do to change others’ perceptions of you.

Focus on relationships. When you have built strong relationships with those around you they’ll be more likely to forgive the occasional misstep. In my consulting work with individuals in organizations it’s not uncommon for me to hear coworkers being much more willing to excuse the odd blow-up from a colleague with whom they’ve built up a lot of social capital as compared to someone who hasn’t taken the time to connect with them. This makes sense given that when you have a strong relationship with someone you will have amassed a variety of data points that will give you a well-rounded view of the individual.

Therefore to rehabilitate your reputation it’s essential to take the time to build genuine relationships with others. As Socrates wrote “The way to a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.” As such once you’ve lost your temper your goal shouldn’t just be to change others’ perceptions of you; your goal should be to adjust your underlying character so that the reputation you’re striving to achieve will be a reflection of who you truly are.

Be patient. Finally although you may have moved on quickly from the incident others may not have. Therefore even if you’ve been on your best behavior for weeks realize that it may take more time for others to believe that the changes you’re exhibiting are real.

I once worked with a client who had difficulty managing her emotions at work. After getting over the shock of receiving feedback that she was seen as rude and volatile she took it upon herself to change those perceptions. She used active listening techniques focused on building relationships started a mindfulness practice and worked on better managing her stress in general. She was making great strides and feeling proud of herself as a result of her development.

However one month later she came to our session frustrated. She wasn’t sure that anyone’s view of her had changed. This was discouraging to her given all of the earnest effort that she had been putting into her professional growth. Still she kept at it and a few months later received feedback that others were appreciating her new approach to work.

Just as I noted that you’ll need to be consistent with your new behaviors you’ll also need to be patient. If people have been experiencing you one way it will likely take some time for them to a) notice that you’ve changed your behavior and b) believe that it’s a permanent change. Therefore try not to get frustrated if it takes longer than you would like for people to recognize the changes you’re making. Keep it up and they’ll start to notice.

The reality is recovering after losing your temper at work can be a challenge. But although transforming others’ perceptions of you isn’t always an easy task with consistency focus and patience it can definitely be done.

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Patricia Thompson Ph.D. is the President of Silver Lining Psychology a corporate psychology and management consulting firm. She draws on her depth of experience to help organizations select develop and engage people. Find her at www.silverliningpsychology.com or www.executivemindfulness.org.

你就是工作中发脾气，怎么办？ 译者：Christophin

让我们面对现实吧，工作压力很大。 无论压力是来自你的老板，你的同事，还是你的工作量，压力都会变得太大。 在一次特别令人沮丧的会议之后，你对一个同事大发脾气。

你可能只是想把这一天归咎于糟糕的一天，然后继续前进，假装什么都没发生。 但其他人可能不会这么快忘记。 正如罗伊 · 鲍迈斯特(Roy Baumeister)在他的经典文章《坏比好更强大》(Bad Is Stronger Than Good)中所写的那样，消极的经历比好的经历处理得更彻底，消极的印象比积极的印象形成得更快，也更难摆脱。 要从这样的事情中恢复过来，你需要以谦卑和有意愿的态度对待这种情况。 下面是如何进行的步骤:

对自己诚实。 处理这种情况的第一步是诚实地审视自己。 这是一次性的经历，还是你多次经历过的？ 如果你的脾气真的超出了你的正常范围，那么和你有过一段历史的人很可能会把它看成是由环境因素造成的。 在这种情况下，一个真诚的道歉可能就足够了。 然而，如果你经常这样做，那么在恢复你的声誉方面，你将面临更加艰难的道路。

道歉。 接下来你要做的就是道歉。 理想情况下，你应该在事情发生后尽快这样做，这样你就可以减少其他人为此烦恼并与同事讨论的时间。 根据 Roy Lewicki，Beth Polin 和 Robert Lount 的研究，有效的道歉有六个组成部分:

表示遗憾

解释出了什么问题

承认责任

忏悔宣言

提出感情修复

请求宽恕

研究人员发现，这些成分包含的越多，其他人对道歉的反应就越积极。 然而，并非道歉的所有方面都同样重要。 他们发现道歉最关键的部分是承认责任。 因此，当你为你的失态道歉时，承认你所做的一切。 不要给自己找借口。 真诚地承认你的行为是错误的。

在这项研究中，道歉的第二个最重要的组成部分是提供修复。 因此，解释你将要做什么来弥补它。 例如，如果你在公开场合对某人大发雷霆，你可以确保向他们道歉，然后在下次见面所有目击者都在场的时候道歉。 或者，你可以解释一下你将采取哪些步骤来避免将来再次发生同样的事情。

例如，如果你注意到当你的日程排得满满的时候，你会变得暴躁易怒，你可以承诺更好地管理你的工作量，或者休息更多。 如果你有防御性的问题，你可以选择允许别人温和地指出你什么时候不能接受他们的观点，这样你就可以立刻检查自己。 或者，如果你真的很难控制自己的脾气，你可以承诺与教练一起制定策略，帮助你更好地控制自己的反应。 然后，一定要做到这一点。 毕竟，如果你一次又一次地表现出同样的行为，很快你的道歉就会变得毫无意义。

找出是什么触发了你的爆发。 为了减少将来发脾气的可能性，你需要找出导致发脾气的因素。 你是否需要更好地管理自己的压力？ 当你感到受到攻击或脆弱的时候，你是否倾向于猛烈攻击？ 是否有特定的人让你感到沮丧？ 是否有一些个人问题渗透到工作中，让你更加紧张？ 一旦你确定了原因，你就会把自己放在一个能够解决问题的位置，这样你就能够在未来做出更有建设性的回应。

例如，如果你意识到当你感到别人在攻击你时你会感到沮丧，你可以转变你的观点并认识到不同的观点可以帮助团队更有效地解决问题。 或者，如果你意识到当你没有足够的睡眠时你会变得更易怒，你可以改善你的睡眠习惯(或者至少，在你经历了一个糟糕的夜晚之后，更有意识地监控你的行为)。 如果你注意到你的情绪可以在紧张的时刻占据你的最佳状态，你可以在你感到紧张的时候练习深呼吸，这样你可以让你的身体平静下来，在那一刻更清晰地思考。

保持一致。 如果你想改变别人对你的看法，你需要在一致的基础上表现出更平和的气质。 这一点很重要，因为由于确认偏见，我们更倾向于认识到别人的行为，这些行为证实了我们对他们的信念，而不是那些与他们不一致的行为。 这意味着，如果你被视为一个冲动的人，人们更有可能注意到，有一次你对你的同事大喊大叫、咒骂，而不是在本周所有其他的会议上你很快乐、很有魅力的时候。 虽然这可能看起来不公平，但这是你需要做的来改变别人对你的看法。

关注人际关系。 当你和周围的人建立了牢固的关系后，他们更有可能原谅你偶尔的失误。 在我与公司中的人进行咨询时，我经常听到同事们更愿意原谅一位与他们已经建立大量社会资本的古怪脾气的人，而不是那些没有花时间与他们联系的同事。这是有道理的，因为当你与某人有一个紧密的关系，你将积累大量不同的数据点，这些数据点将给你提供一个全面的良好的观点。

因此，为了恢复你的名誉，花时间与他人建立真诚的关系是非常重要的。 正如苏格拉底所写，“获得好名声的方法就是努力成为你想要成为的样子。” 因此，一旦你发了脾气，你的目标不应该仅仅是改变别人对你的看法; 你的目标应该是调整你的潜在性格，这样你努力争取的名声就会反映出你真正是谁。

要有耐心。 最后，尽管你可能已经很快地从这件事中走出来了，但是其他人可能没有。 因此，即使你已经保持最佳状态好几周了，也要意识到别人可能需要更多的时间才能相信你所表现出来的变化是真实的。

我曾经与一位客户共事，她在工作中难以控制自己的情绪。 在从收到粗鲁和反复无常的反馈中恢复过来之后，她决定自己去改变这些看法。 她积极运用倾听的技巧，专注于建立人际关系，开始进行心理的练习，并努力更好地管理自己的压力。 她正在大踏步前进，并为自己的发展感到自豪。

然而，一个月后，她沮丧的和我们说。 她不确定是否有人改变了对她的看法。 这让她很沮丧，因为她为了自己的职业成长付出了那么多的努力。 尽管如此，她还是坚持了下来，几个月后，她收到了反馈，其他人都对她的新工作方式表示赞赏。

正如我提到的，你需要坚持你的新行为，你也需要有耐心。 如果人们以一种方式体验过你，他们可能需要一些时间才能a）意识到你已经改变了你的行为; b)相信这是一个永久性的改变。 因此，如果人们认识到你正在做的改变所花费的时间比你希望的要长，尽量不要感到沮丧。 坚持下去，他们会注意到的。

事实上，在工作中发脾气后恢复过来是一个挑战。 但是，尽管改变别人对你的看法并不总是一件容易的事情，只要有一致性、专注力和耐心，这绝对是可以做到的。

帕特里夏 · 汤普森博士是一家企业心理学和管理咨询公司的总裁。 她利用自己丰富的经验来帮助组织选择、发展和吸引员工。 你可以在 www.silverliningpsychology.com 或者 www.executivemindfulness.org 找到她。